There is a high chance that one day women who have experienced family violence will consider dating or starting a relationship with a new partner. After healing and learning to trust again and when it’s right for them. They may decide it’s time to move on with their life and look to the future. This is a huge step for women - and well done to those who get there!

However, this can be also very daunting for them. Women can be:-

• apprehensive

• scared

• anxious

• in a constant state of high alert

This is entirely understandable, considering their past experiences.   Women should be able to date or find a new partner and are entitled to a truly positive and respectful relationship.  This is all any of us want. 

If you work with women who have a family violence past, you may notice that they are conditioned to look for the red flags in a new relationship. This is form their scars and fears from their past bad relationships.  It is natural that they don’t want to get mixed up with another violent partner and will be on the lookout for these signs. 

We could of course just give them a list of potential red flags to look for in a relationship. We don’t want them in the same position as before. So we can tell them to watch for controlling behaviours, jealousy, when he puts you down, anger towards you, degrading remarks…. and the list goes on and on. 

These are important elements to share with your client so please don’t stop talking about them! But in this article, I want you to consider what it would be like to re-condition women to look for the positive instead.  There is a fair chance that their new partner will be an honest, respectful, kind and non-violent person.  After all, there are lots of good men out there!

I am suggesting a focus on the green flags in the relationship instead of the red ones.  Green flags mean that the relationship is going well (so far) and women can feel confident they can understand what a good relationship is. 

The following 8 key topics are for support workers and counsellors to cover or share when supporting women who are considering a new relationship after family violence.  These are for discussion with your client but please note that everyone’s green flags are going to be different as every circumstance is different. 

Clients can create their own Green Flag list to look for in their new relationship that aligns with their circumstance and personal and relationship values.

Talk to your clients about:

1.    Super green flag – you feel safe!

You feel safe with your new partner both emotionally and physically and you can be yourself.

2.    Shows respect

You can see that he is respecting you and treats you as an equal.    If you have an opinion he values and respects it.  When you show him respect, it is returned. 

3.    Open, clear and honest communication

He willingly talks to you and shares his thoughts, and you are comfortable sharing yours.  He actively listens to you and you feel valued and heard.  Issues are worked out together rather than letting them fester.  You can both discuss any disagreements peacefully.

4.    His treatment of others

You observe him treating his friends and family respectfully.  He has a healthy relationship with his own family.  You can see he has friends that matter to him and he make time to connect with them.  He is keen to introduce you to his friends and his family.  

He is considerate and nice to your friends and family and they feel comfortable around him.  You can see he is loyal and respectful to you in front of other people and also at home. He acts as a positive role model to your children (if you have children). 

5.    Respects your boundaries

He respects your boundaries, is considerate and to your needs.  You both are Interdependent – meaning you have a safe and secure bond but both of you also retain your autonomous identity.  You both enjoy solitude and respect each other’s privacy.

6.    Supports you

He allows the new relationship to go at your pace.  You are supported through any issues you have.  He accepts the past without judgement (including your past family violence experience).  You are supported by him with your ambitions and goals in life, he is not threatened by them. 

7.    Uses appropriate behaviour

He acts appropriately for the stage of the relationship, for example, he allows time for you to get to know each other first.  You find he can compromise when necessary and admits mistakes.  He talks through any disagreements with you with a sense of perspective – he doesn’t over-react.  He stops doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

You find he shares willingly on all levels, from making family and money decisions together to sharing the household chores. 

8.    You have shared values

Your find that your core values are aligned or if not aligned, respectfully understood.  You both enjoy each other’s company and are empowered by each other.  You can see your relationship growing together and you both want similar things in life.  And you way happier than not.

I really like green flags because they focus on the positive and women gain strategies that reassures them as they move forward in a new relationship.  Some further tips you can also consider discussing with women are:

• Make sure they are at the stage of moving on before suggesting the green flags.  If they still haven’t begun to heal from their past family violence then refer to counselling (or counsel yourself if this is your role).

• Talk to your clients about educating themselves about healthy relationships.  Include a chat about identifying what to look for and what characteristics make up a respectful relationship.

• Talk to the client about trusting their instincts when moving forward in the new relationship when dating.  Offer them your services to talk to should they have any concerns.

• Most importantly, if they are dating, talk to them about being safe.  Encourage them to meet at a public location until they feel secure with the new person.  Advise them to tell a friend where they are going and to resist being picked up from their home and being driven for the date. 

• Inform the clients that their dating or relationship should be at their pace.  Remind them that developing a trusting partnership takes time. 

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